If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
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Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
This kid is going places
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.