How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
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I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again