Ooops wrong house😂😜
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if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I feel seen
When he asks for feet pics
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?