Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
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Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)