I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
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I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Danger is very dangerous
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.