I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
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KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Yup!
For the baby who has everything
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
My dad teaching me to drive
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.