I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
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We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good