I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
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Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I put the hot in psychotic.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.