When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
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Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???