It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
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*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
happy friday
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*