[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
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*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
#titanic
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.