me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
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did it work
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
“I’d like to speak with a manager”