You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
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*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.