Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
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Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Trumpy Cat
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.