what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
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I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Me trying to reach for my goals
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
There’s always that one guy
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
True
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.