My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
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So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what