Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
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Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.