My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
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Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
the composer
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.