doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
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*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.