Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
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Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Attacked by a mop.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.