wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
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An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?