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What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.