Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
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Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work