Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
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ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*