After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
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Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
That’s no pocket rocket.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard