zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
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6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
$4 #usedbooks
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Goat cheese is for herders.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.