My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
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Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Great acting.. 😂
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.