If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
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I’m an avid indoorsman.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
“TGIM!” – My liver
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Phonetics
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.