It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
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me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
#TopTip
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
BETRAYAL
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.