I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
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A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Every time my phone rings
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree