Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
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What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Its a hippotatomus
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.