Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
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Things will get butter, keep churning
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.