[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
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ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.