Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
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a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Important reminders
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.