Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
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Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
when mom throws a party…
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.