see you in hell you stupid fruit
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Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.