Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
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One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now