I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
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That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”