Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
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Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Succinctly put.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.