This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
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Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment