“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
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Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.