Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
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FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
the clam before the storm
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants