It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
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Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
#parenting
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
is this how new cars are made??
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
lot going on here, legally speaking.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.