3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
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I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late