8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
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I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.