I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
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I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking