My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
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Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock