When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
You Might Also Like
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
This dude got his own movie?
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it