Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
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Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
WTF IS THAT!
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I thought this was funny lol
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.