13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
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Monday?
No. Next question.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
i wish we could shoplift online
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.